Schrödinger's Shorts

I live near a university campus.

Around here the weather has been getting warm, so the students have traded their jackets and boots for tees and sandals, which is all well and good, but I find myself confused by some of the particular styles these young people choose.

Some young ladies, for instance, seem, at first glance, to be wearing only a large t-shirt. I call this style "Schrödinger's Shorts". Until she bends to sit or reaches for something up high, her shorts are both there and not there.

Image source.

Now, look, I'm not against personal choices of how much leg or not anybody shows. That's their business. But to pair short shorts with a shirt that is so long it hangs to mid-thigh? Well, it looks like they simply rolled out of bed in the shirt they slept in and forgot to put on pants at all. Is that the look they are going for? Is "theoretical shorts" the new "messy bun"?

I don't really want to delve too deeply into the mindsets of the recently-pubescent. If the object of this fashion choice is indeed to cause people to wonder if they are fully dressed, it succeeds.*

This gets me on the subject of Impractical Clothing in general.

Again, this is not a discussion of modesty or personal choices or fashion or aesthetics or anything. I'm just talking about the utility of clothing or the lack thereof.

Let's continue with short shorts.

Short shorts are nice on a warm day, and they can be cute, but I'd argue that sitting in them can be problematic. When you sit, you don't just sit on your tushie: you also sit on your thighs. Your thighs are coming into contact with whatever surface you are sitting on. Mostly that maybe isn't a problem, unless the seat in question is of a material that fuses to bare thigh skin in warm or humid weather, making it difficult and painful to stand up.

And what if you are sitting on a public bench? Or the ground? The idea of my skin potentially coming into contact with someone's old spilled soda (or worse!) or having a bug climb in my shorts just gives me the jibblies.

Next up: Any clothing that can be removed with a simple tug.

This includes loose jeans worn low on the thighs, bikinis, and tube tops.

(Source)

I'm not including lingerie, of course. If you want that to come off with a simple tug, that's your business. I'm talking about clothing people wear outside of their houses in public.

Maybe I'm weird, but I prefer clothing that is going to stay on my body; even if a kid pulls on it, even if I trip and fall, even if it's windy, etc. The devil on my shoulder sometimes just whispers to me, "Say . . . what if you walked by that person and just gave their shirt a little yank?"

I'd never do it, of course, but I do wonder about people putting themselves in such precarious predicaments.

Like, if I were the type to wear a bikini, I'd be picky about what kind I wore at the beach. It'd be one thing if I was only there to sunbathe and do a little wading, but if I wanted to play with my friends and frolic in the waves, I'd want something more like a sports-bra look. You are there to play volleyball, not peek-a-boob. You are there to splash, not flash.

Let's talk about HAIR!

Yes I know that hair is not clothing, but it CAN be impractical. Especially for action heroes.

I'm looking at you: Supergirl, Wonder Woman, Gamora, Elektra, Storm, Aragorn, Eowyn, Bucky Barnes, Charlie's Angels, and Xena Warrior Princess.

Yes, your long fabulous hair looks awesome swinging around, blowing in the wind, etc. But NO. Freaking cut it off or tie it back like a person with some sense. Or get some of that Asgardian-strength pomade Loki uses.

Problem #1 of long hair: Your peripheral vision is severely compromised, if not completely blocked. Sometimes even your forward vision is impaired if you do the thing where you kick two or three bad guys through the wall then do a flip, land in a crouch, then look up at your remaining foes through the hair in your face all moody and emo. You look cool, sure, but YOU CANNOT SEE. GET SOME BOBBY PINS OR SOMETHING.

Problem #2 : Your hair is going to get caught in EVERYTHING. Your armor, your weapons, your mouth, your eyelashes. It will snag on your enemy's button or zipper or unnecessary extra belt buckles as you judo-flip him over your shoulder AND IT WILL HURT and you will have to call a time out and get some scissors and a mirror to untangle before you can keep fighting.

Seriously, how is her hair NOT getting caught on her sword or the straps on her vambrace?
(Source)

Problem #3: It will get TANGLED. I mean severely. Unless you have magic hair like Rapunzel it will be a pain to comb out later. Even you, Supergirl. You freaking FLY okay? Faster than a speeding bullet, right? There is NO WAY it doesn't take you three hours and a bottle of conditioner to tame that mess after a flight.

I think that's enough ranting for this week. I've said my piece.

In other news...

I was invited to make a guest appearance on FlickFights, the official podcast of the popular movie-rating website FlickChart! We had a great time discussing the pros and cons of many movies including the latest Marvel Universe hit "Avengers: Infinity War". I'll let you know when my episode airs, but in the meantime, click on those links and maybe sign up yourself and start ranking every movie you've ever seen. It's strangely addicting and a lot of fun.

Until next week, when you finally get to see what happened with the Band-Aids, keep being awesome!

-Goosey

*Did some googling for possible images to use here, and discovered there was a WHOLE THING about this particular style. Read about it here. I'd like to clarify that I have zero negative opinions about the intelligence, personality, or classiness of anyone who chooses this style -- you do you, girl! And it certainly DOES look comfortable.